MJP –
I was a princess for Halloween once, and a Nascar driver once.
Nine and 10 years old respectively, I donned my finest fashions and headed for the treat-lined streets of my neighborhood eager to snag a hefty haul of sugar.
My costumes were custom-made, posh and glamorous. Those two times, I blended in with the other kids of the neighborhood; dressed to impress and understanding that earning my candy keep meant sporting a grand outfit.
But, outside of those two occasions, I went as regular people.
One year I was a waitress, another a crossing guard. In fifth grade, I was a casino concierge, followed by — in middle school, mind you — a construction crane operator. For whatever reason, I was infatuated with jobs.
When you’re out there trying to snag a pillowcase full of Reese’s, that just doesn’t fly; especially when you’re competing against Elsa, dinosaurs and life-sized boxed of Frosted Flakes.
Today, though, I’d say I’m better for my lackluster costumes, because those perfectly-dressed children will never understand what it’s like to have the adults put the candies from the bottom of the bag in your sack. On many occasions, I ended up with some bizarre “treats” — which only made me appreciate the sweet and salty peanut butter cups even more.
From the perspective of some who’s been given every awful snack under the sun, then, these are the top ten worst Halloween candies of all time, ranked.
10. Lemonheads
Launching this list is a candy that tastes like the smell of a Lysol classroom wipe — and is probably about as dangerous to eat. Sour little lollipops without the sticks, Lemonheads will shave the tastebuds from your tongue when consumed in mass quantity.
Luckily, however, most kids never end up in that scenario; because the undesirable trick-or-treat handout is only ever given in disappointing solo packages.
9. Generic Taffy
Bland, boring and with absolutely no brand-recognition appeal (sometimes things taste better with a logo), generic taffy pieces are next to make the keep-it-out-of-my-pillowcase countdown.
Looking for something milky and apple-y at the same time? Go for the green one. Want to experience black licorice in an even less appealing way? Hope for the black piece with the white swirl, and let its jaw-breaking texture convince you there’s always room for a food to be worse.
Whether brown, speckled, yellow or striped, there’s not a good option in the bag.
8. Atomic FireBalls
The package says there are 60 calories in each FireBall.
There are only 30, however, if you’re weak.
7. 3 Musketeers
Somewhere along the line, someone decided taking the peanuts and caramel out of a Snickers was a good idea.
Or someone at Quest Bars convinced Mars that a candy version of their pre-workout snacks would be all the rage.
6. Dots
There’s something about Dots’s vibrant branding and enticing texture that always persuades you to grab a box on Halloween. Cherry, strawberry, orange, lemon — the flavors are as inviting as they come, and the packaging is ohhh so cute.
The 10 Trashiest Cities in New York – Is Your City on the List?
Put one in your mouth, though, and you’ll release “cherry” means cough syrup, “lemon” is watered down Crystal Light and “orange” is somewhere between Pine Sol and wax.
AKA, Dots are the candy equivalent of being catfished on Tinder.
5. Off-brand Pixy Stix
I don’t have a picture of these, but you know which neon tubes I mean.
Just imagine the part of the trick-or-treat haul that’s still left in January. They’re lying between the plastic vampire teeth and temporary tattoos.
4. Pretzels
I don’t have a problem with pretzels.
But I sure as heck have a problem with pretzels on Halloween.
3. Hot Tamales
There’s a spectrum of horrible candies that ranges from Big Red to black licorice, and these guys are right in the middle.
Essentially a bag of canker sores, you’d have to be a masochist to like them.
2. Dubble Bubble
10 Prisons in Missouri Known for Their Dark and Troubling Histories
Want to chew so hard you get a self-induced migraine?
Good news, trick-or-treaters: Dubble Bubble is still on the market!
1. Necco Wafers
Remember augmentin? The “level two” strep throat medicine the doctor gave you when the glorious amoxicillin didn’t work?
Take that flavor profile, give it the texture of a freeze-dried astronaut banana, and you get the Necco Wafer.
Invented in 1847, the candies have survived the Civil War, prohibition and the rise and fall of K-mart just to continue to mortify children — or satisfy people who enjoy eating dried White-Out chips from the rim of the bottle — to this day.
Chalky, gross and upsetting, the only good thing to come out of the existence of Necco Wafers is the ability to trauma-bond amongst all those who have been unfortunate enough to try them.
